(Also, another post will follow shortly, for those of you who missed this episode.)
Michael (voice-over): "Know what it's like being a spy? Like sitting in your dentist's reception area twenty-four hours a day. Read magazines, have coffee, and every so often, someone tries to kill you."
Michael: "You know, Mercedes makes an SUV now. Big backseat, it's great. Surprisingly affordable, too."
Michael: "No, no, no. I don't work for anyone directly. That's why I get to do stuff like give you $750,000 to stop blowing up oil refineries."
Michael (VO): "Sometimes the truth hurts. In these situations, I recommend lying."
Michael (VO): "In a fight, you have to be careful not to break the little bones in your hand on someone's face. That's why I like bathrooms: lots of hard surfaces."
Michael (VO): "Southern Nigeria isn't my favorite place in the world. It's unstable, it's corrupt, and the people there eat a lot of terrible-smelling preserved fish. I will say this for Nigeria, though: it's the gun-running capital of Africa. And that makes it a bad place to drive a passenger sedan into a crowded market."
Michael (VO): "If you're gonna collapse on a plane, I recommend business class. The seats are bigger if you start convulsing. Although once you pass out, it really doesn't matter."
Fiona: "You still have me in your wallet as your emergency contact. You take that out when you leave someone, you know."
Fiona: "And it sounded like you might die. I wanted to be there at the end. To tell you what a bastard you were."
Michael: "Yeah, it's just better if my mother and I aren't in the same hemisphere."
Michael: "Make one of those scenes of yours--you know? Bite one of 'em, set the other on fire. Just do it in about ten minutes; I need to clean up."
Michael (VO): "Spend a few years as a covert operative and a sunny beach just looks like a vulnerable tactical position with no decent cover...I've never found a good way to hide a gun in a bathing suit."
Michael (VO): "When you're being watched, what you need is contrast. A background that will make the surveillance stand out. An FBI field office is full of guys in their forties. At most South Beach business hotels, it would be tough to tell which middle-aged white guy was watching you. So you stay in the place where everyone is a Jell-O shot away from alcohol poisoning. If you see someone who can walk a straight line, that's the Fed."
Sam: "You know spies. Bunch of bitchy little girls. Good news for you, I'm a drunk and a wash-out already, so I can talk to whoever I want, burned or no."
Michael (VO): "My mom would've been a great NSA communications operative...Drop me in the middle of the Gobi Desert--bury me in a goddamn cave on the moon--and somehow, she'd find a way to call me and ask me for a favor."
Michael (VO): "I don't like stealing cars, but sometimes it's necessary. I have rules, though: I'll keep it clean, and if I take your car on a workday, I'll have it back by five."
Michael (VO): "Figuring out if a car is tailing you is mostly about driving like you're an idiot. You speed up, slow down, signal one way and turn the other. Of course, ideally, you're doing this without your mother in the car...Actually losing a tail isn't about driving fast. A high-speed pursuit is just gonna land you on the six o'clock news. So you just keep driving like an idiot until the other guy makes a mistake. Again, all of this is easier without a passenger yelling at you for missing a decade's worth of Thanksgivings."
Madeline: "You know, you missed your father's funeral. By eight years."
Michael: "The last time I talked to him, he said, 'I'll see you in Hell, boy,' so I figured we had something on the books."
Michael (VO): "Sleep through an aerial bombing or two, and noise isn't an issue. You just need some privacy and a bed. In a pinch, you can lose the bed. But the privacy's important for projects like this one. With everyone X-raying and chemical testing their mail these days, a box of wire and pipe and batteries sprinkled with chemical fertilizer is a great attention-getter."
David: "Are you a soldier?"
Michael: "Uh... no. Sorta."
David: "My dad says you're here to help us."
Michael: "Yeah, I might be. I just need to talk to your dad about some money first."
David: "Then are you gonna shoot the people that robbed Mr. Pyne?"
Michael: "No, no, that shouldn't be necessary."
David: "But what if they shoot at you?"
Michael: "Well, in that case, it would be necessary, so yeah."
(later) Michael: "You really want me to shoot someone, don't you?"
Michael (VO): "Whether you're a coke dealer, a thief, an arms dealer, or a spy, you need someone to clean your money. Which makes a good money launderer the closest thing you can get to a Yellow Pages for criminals. Even better, a money launderer will always take your phone call, burn notice or no burn notice."
Barry: "Good to see you. Heard about your trouble; so sorry."
Michael: "Yeah, well, I'm working on it. Thanks for coming, Barry."
Barry: "I'm in a service industry; that's what I do. I help."
Sugar: "What's your problem?"
Michael: "My problem right now is that a pretty-boy drug dealer with a bad dye job is standing in my way."
Michael (VO): "It doesn't matter how much training you have; a broken rib is a broken rib."
Walter: "I do have some Greco-Roman nude wrestling statues you might like to take a look at."
Michael (VO): "I never run around in the bushes in a ski mask when I'm breaking in someplace. Somebody catches you, what are you gonna say? You want to look like a legitimate visitor until the very last minute. If you can't look legit, confused works almost as well. Maybe you get a soda from the fridge, or a yogurt. If you get caught, you just look confused and apologize like crazy for taking the yogurt--nothing could be more innocent...Cracking an old-school safe is pretty tough, but modern hi-tech security makes it much easier. Thing is, nobody wipes off a fingerprint scanner after they use it. So what's left on the scanner nine times out of ten is the fingerprint."
Michael (VO): "Fighting for the little guy is for suckers. We all do it once in a while, but the trick is to get in and out quickly, without getting involved. That's one trick I never really mastered."
Michael: "Does that shirt come in men's?"
Michael (VO): "Thing is, blackmail is a little like owning a pit bull: it might protect you, or it might bite your hand off."
Michael (VO): "To build a listening device, you need a crappy phone with a mike that picks up everything. But you want the battery power and circuits of a better phone. It's a trick you learn when the purchasing office won't spring for a bug."
Michael: "Listen, Fi, there's a few things I'm good at: tactical analysis, hand-to-hand combat, and I'm a decent cook. But relationships--they're just not my thing. They never were."
Fiona: "Well, now you're in Miami. Get yourself a 24-year-old with big fake tits."
Michael: "They bore me. If it makes you feel any better, you were the closest... I ever got. It just wasn't close enough, I guess."
Fiona: "Things could've worked out with us, Michael."
Michael: "You were robbing banks for the IRA."
Fiona: "A spy is just a criminal with a government paycheck. You're the one with two FBI agents watching him eat."
Michael: "Three. One... two... behind me at the bar."
Fiona: "Bravo. Shall we shoot them?"
Michael: "I've got enough problems."
Fiona: "You really ought to do something about your neighbors."
Michael (VO): "Once somebody sends a guy with a gun after you, things are only going to get worse. But like it or not, you've got work to do. For a job like getting rid of the drug dealer next door, I'll take a hardware store over a gun any day. Guns make you stupid. Better to fight your wars with duct tape. Duct tape makes you smart...Every decent punk has a bulletproof door. But people forget walls are just plaster. Hopefully you get him with the first shot. Or the second...Now he's down and waiting for you to come through the front door. So you don't come through the front door."
Sam: "Don't worry about him. I told him I'd give him fifty bucks to punch me in the face--that's all he had to hear."
Michael: "Yeah--I'd do it for twenty."
Michael (VO): "People with happy families don't become spies. A bad childhood is the perfect background for covert ops--you don't trust anyone, you're used to getting smacked around, and you never get homesick."
Michael (VO): "Thirty years of karate, combat experience on five continents, a rating with every weapon that shoots a bullet or holds an edge... still haven't found any defense against Mom crying into my shirt."
Michael (VO): "Airbags save a lot of lives. But they also put you out long enough to get your hands cable-tied to the steering wheel."
Michael: "You have to lose some fights so you can learn to win. You know, look at this. I got the crap beat out of me. I have two black belts and they kicked my ass, so you got nothing to be ashamed of with me, okay? I mean, I'm the champ at getting beaten up. But I'm also very good at winning. You want them to stop?"
Michael: "All right. The key to fighting a group is taking out its leader. Take out its leader, oh, they'll all leave you alone. It's bully psychology. Works with third-world military units as well. When I was in Afghanistan--never mind that."
Michael: "Hi, guys! Talking about me? Can I get a coffee? Sam."
Sam: "Hey, Mike."
Michael: "You wanna introduce me to your FBI buddies?"
Agent Harris: "FBI? You got the wrong idea, pal."
Michael: "Ford outside has G-series plates, you got fast-draw holsters, off-the-rack suits, and cheap loafers. Now, you guys are Feds. They're Feds!"
Michael (VO): "When you work solo, it's about prepping the ground. Home-court advantage counts for a lot. You never know what's going to happen. You prepare for everything...Most bad guys expect you to just sit there and wait for them, like those are the rules or something."
Michael: "By the way, Vince, you're going to have a hard time blowing my brains out with the safety on...Whoa! Hey, the safety was off! Well, what do you know? My mistake."
Michael (VO): "If you're going to put prints on a gun, sticking it into somebody's hand isn't going to do it. Any decent lawyer can explain prints on a gun. But try explaining prints on the inside of the trigger assembly."
Vincent: "I need a hospital."
Michael: "Yeah, in a sec; we're talking. You shot your buddy here, Mr. Pyne! And this--oho, this, this here is a crime lab's wet dream. Mmm."
Mr. Pyne: "What do you want?"
Michael: "In a second--I'm not done with my show-and-tell."
Michael: "Can I borrow your binoculars?"
Agent Lane: "Um..."
Michael: "No, I know you got some in there; you're not using them, because you need them to see me, and I'm right here, so. Please?"
Michael (VO): "As a spy, it doesn't matter if you're helping rebel forces fight off a dictator, or giving combat tips to a third-grader. There's nothing like helping the little guy kick some bully's ass."